I'm back! 

Hello to all of you lovely humans! Happy new year and beautiful new beginnings to you all. I started working again on the 1st of January and to say it has been absolutely insanely hectic would be a massive understatement. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy to be back doing what I love, my sense of purpose and fulfillment has been restored and I truly am happy, it is just a bit of a shock to the system and I'm trying to learn how to balance myself well.

Initially, I wanted to ease back into work slowly, find my footing and gradually build myself up. I thought that would be the best way to allow my body to adjust to the busy working environment and absurdly exhausting hours. Well, that idea came to an abrupt halt when my first day back became a 28 hour shift (call) on January 1st. The year definitely started off with a bang. The call was what most would call "nightmarish". I barely sat down during those 28 hours. We managed multiple emergencies, performed numerous caesarean sections, treated an inordinate number of women and pushed ourself beyond the normal limit. It felt incredible and terrifying all at once.

That pace hasn't stopped. I'm doing these calls at last once a week and they leave me feeling pretty damn shattered. General days are excessively busy too. Most days I struggle to find time to sit, eat and even go to the bathroom. Despite it all, I really do love what I do. I feel so alive when I am at work and so unbelievably lucky to be able to be here.

Where am I currently? Well, I'm just really trying to keep my head above water. I'm trying to find my footing being back at work and consciously being aware of the disease that I have. It's tremendously difficult to try and find balance between working like a mad man, resting as much as possible, eating healthy meals, exercising and doing the essential self work. I think I may have some slight PTSD from last year and the slightest hint of a symptom sends me into a bit of a tizz. I guess I am just so fearful of having another flare because that could mean potentially having to rethink my career path and therefore my whole life. So I'm focusing on staying positive, keeping balanced and just being in the moment - allowing things to happen organically and not stressing about the future.

It hasn't been an easy path, and I never think it will be, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm a much better person for it and that is all that really matters.

I know how difficult it can be to balance your life when you live with a chronic illness.

What do you find challenging?

What affects you the most?

If I have any helpful advice I'd be happy to share it.

What has become abundantly clear to me though, is that the health system really is broken and that, at this point, I don't see myself continuing in a system that lacks so much. This system doesn't support its patients, doctors, nurses or anyone that functions within it. I now know what I need to do, and that is to push through these next two years, finish my internship and Community Service, and then find a way to continue doing what I love, but in a way that is more wholesome and supportive, a way that truly helps people heal. How I'm going to achieve this? I'm not quite sure yet, but as a shaman said to me recently when discussing this topic, "A flower does not ask how it must bloom, it just simply does".

I have so much more to tell you, so expect more post soon.

Have a beautiful Sunday.

Cayla

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